How to care for others without compromising yourself

There’s nothing more human than wanting to help the people you love. Whether it’s supporting adult children through university or helping elderly parents manage the rising costs of care, it’s a natural instinct to step in when someone close to you needs help.

But while these acts of support are generous, they can also be financially draining and emotionally complicated. Striking a balance between caring for others and looking after your own financial wellbeing isn’t easy, especially when the people you’re supporting are family.

This article explores how to approach multigenerational support with care, clarity, and confidence, so you can be there for the people who need you – without losing sight of your own future.

The reality of the sandwich generation – the squeezed middle

You might not have planned for this role, but here you are. Supporting your children as the “bank of mum and dad” as they try to gain independence as well as helping your parents as they begin to lose theirs. It’s a position that comes with love and responsibility, but also financial pressure.

Many people in their 40s, 50s, and early 60s are finding themselves pulled in both directions:

• Paying for their children’s education or helping with house deposits
• Contributing to care costs for their parents or taking on the role of carer
• All while trying to maintain their own careers, relationships, and retirement savings
  

Our research* showed that 20% of respondents are financially supporting a child aged 17 and over, while a further 20% are helping parents with their bills.

It’s a lot to carry – and yet – it’s rarely talked about. There’s often a sense of quiet duty – get on with it, don’t complain, and put others first. But making sustainable choices mean creating space to consider your own needs too.

Know where you stand

Before helping others, the most helpful thing you can do is to get a clear picture of your own situation. This includes:

• Your monthly income and outgoings
• Existing financial commitments (mortgages, loans, school fees)
• Emergency funds and “buffer” capacity
• Current savings and investments
• Your pension and future retirement goals

Once you understand your baseline, you’ll be in a better position to decide what’s feasible, what’s generous, and what might be too much.

Remember: It’s not being selfish, it’s being smart so you can ensure financial sustainability. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

The bank of mum and dad – how much is too much?

We all want the best for our children, and in today’s economy, young adults often face real challenges. Whether it’s saving for a deposit, entering a tough job market, or facing rising rents – the road to independence is not what it used to be.

That’s why many parents step in to:

• Help with rent or bills
• Pay off student debt
• Contribute to first home deposits
• Fund postgraduate education

While this support can be life-changing, it’s worth asking. Is this support helping my child become independent, or making them dependent on me? How is this impacting my ability to save for my own future?

Having clear and open conversations about expectations can make a big different. It’s OK to say, “I want to help you, but I also need to protect my retirement.” Most children will understand, especially when you frame it as wanting to avoid becoming financially dependent on them one day.

Caring for parents – supporting with compassion

As parents age, the conversation around financial support becomes more complex. You might find yourself:

• Helping with day-to-day costs or housing
• Contributing to care home fees or healthcare
• Managing finances on their behalf
• Organising a power of attorney (POA) or estate planning

These responsibilities can bring up sensitive family dynamics. Should siblings share costs? What happens if parents haven’t planned for later life? What’s realistic to take on?

It’s important to approach these topics with empathy but also a firm understanding of your limits. Open conversations now can prevent confusion, resentment, or panic further down the line.

Sometimes, the most caring thing you can do is bring in outside help. A financial adviser, solicitor, or care consultant can help to guide those decisions with structure and impartiality.

Emotional Pressures vs. Financial Realities

It’s not just about the money – supporting loved ones can be emotionally draining too. Do you feel guilty for saying no? Or, responsible for fixing everything? You’re not alone.

It’s why having a financial plan matters. It gives you the confidence to say yes when you can, and no when you can’t. A plan isn’t cold or clinical – it’s a framework that protects your generosity from becoming self-sacrifice.

Protecting your retirement plans

The most common casualty of multigenerational support is your own retirement.

Every pound you give to someone else today could be a pound less invested for your future. Over time, this can add up – especially if you’re approaching retirement age.

Ask yourself:

• Are you still contributing enough to your pension?
• Do you have a clear idea of how much you’ll need later in life?
• Have you modelled what different levels of financial support will mean for your own lifestyle?

It’s not about choosing between your parents, your children, and yourself. It’s about making informed decisions that work for all of you in the long run.

Practical tools to help you support others

There are smart ways to support your loved ones that balance generosity with good planning:

For children or grandchildren

• Set up Junior ISAs or pensions
• Gift within annual tax-free allowances
• Help with financial education and budgeting

For parents

• Organise a POA
• Discuss care planning and insurance options
• Consolidate and simplify their financial arrangements

For yourself

• Keep retirement planning on track
• Set boundaries and timelines for financial help
• Work with a financial adviser to explore tax-efficient giving and long-term implications

How Charles Stanley can help

At Charles Stanley, we know that finances are rarely just about figures. They’re about families, responsibility, and care.

Having an experienced financial planner who can work closely with you is crucial. Especially while you’re trying to support loved ones, and while still planning for their own futures.

With the right planning, you can look after yourself and your family – making decisions with confidence and clarity. It allows you to face the future knowing that your finances, and values are aligned.

To find out how we can help you build a balanced, personalised financial plan – get in touch today. It all starts with a conversation.

Find out more about our financial planning services

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The research was conducted by Censuswide with 1,007 high-net worth respondents across the UK. Unless otherwise stated, the figures in this article are from an online survey undertaken during January 2024.